I'm annoyed. Annoyed with myself sometimes. I've been bugging and irritate myself with alot of speculations and assumptions. What do I deserve to be in this kind of state? I didn't cheat, note please, I DID NOT CHEAT on my man but why the insecurities?

Little did I know, I browse through blogs and I came across her, somewhat the 'ex' of his. I read her archives and how she put it in a way that I was the cause of her failed relationship-to-be with him. But its okay, it was all in the past, why look back? why feel the pinch now?

I tell you this. My man is very playful and he has alottttttt of girlfriends, scandals and whatnots in the past. He was called a 'player' before amongst his circle of friends. All the above have been haunting me since day one of our relationship I tell you. Its not that I don't trust my partner but I have not given my full trust to him. We're still going to 2 years in this relationship and I don't want to put too much hope cos I'm afraid one day, things will go wrong between us and left me in the lurch, moaning and crying again. I don't want to go back to that dark alley. It scares any girl in this world, really.

I give up in this relationship easily. I do that, ALWAYS. I don't know why but whenever I faced with difficult times in this r'ship, I told him off and said that I CAN LIVE WITHOUT HIM. But no. I can't even a single bit. And he knows I can't too. I've always been the fire starter in every of our heated argument and I am sorry everytime things went back to normal. I'm mean. Yes I am.

Despite his flaws, hurting me time and again, making me cry pails and makes me go crazy, I am thankful and grateful that the Almighty has given me the chance to be with someone I wanted to be all along. Someone who cares for me more than himself, who thinks I am beautiful even though without a touch of make up, who has been patient with me for almost 2 years, the ONLY guy my mum dotes on and without fail will kiss me 6 times on my face (if not, he won't let me go home). All that makes me think more than I should whether I should give up on this r'ship. If you were to ask me again next year, I will still stood to my ground. Insya'Allah.

I love you, K.